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Morgan Flores, M.S. So many things change in life when a new baby is on the way! For a mother, starting at conception, you begin to make room (figuratively and physically, lol) for the new baby and all the needs they will come with. A change in diet, rearranging the house, buying diapers, shifting to having more parent friends in the same stage of life, changing your routines, possibly moving homes, maybe getting new vehicles, and all the things! One major consideration for a lot of families in this process is whether or not a new mother wants to work or be a stay-at-home mom (if that is even an option at all). Not only does this question affect practical issues of what each day will look like, but it often carries more emotional weight for a new mom. For many women, it begs the question, “If someone else is taking care of my baby, will my baby still be attached to me?” Or even, “Will my baby know I love them?” I have seen many mamas, including myself, cry over this matter. So many different people have so many different opinions on the matter. Some say it is selfish for a mother in a two-parent household to go to work while others say being a working mom provides a role model to your children. Is there a right or wrong answer for every family? How can we as moms know for sure? Does working outside of the home bear as much significance on connecting to your baby as society can sometimes make it seem? As a clinician, it has brought me a lot of relief to explore the matter through research. Although it does not provide a cookie cutter answer for everyone, it does provide helpful insights to encourage the best attachment possible, whether you are working outside of the home or not. Here are the most significant takeaways I would like to share with you: The quantity of time spent with your child is not as significant as the quality of time. A working mom who is very intentional, engaged and attentive to her kids when she is with them could potentially have more quality time with her children than a stay-at-home mom who has a lot of time with her kids but lacks quality connection. This is just an example, and there are many stay-at-home moms who are very intentional with their children! The idea is that, working moms do not have to miss out on the quality connection just because they are not there for every minute of the day and stay-at-home moms can take the opportunity to not just be with their kids physically but emotionally as well. Quality over quantity is the key for all parents, no matter their career decision (Hsin & Felfe, 2014). This has a limit too, however, so I would like to note a helpful guideline found in research that when infants exceed 60 hours in non-maternal care per week child-parent attachment is much more likely to become an issue (Hazen, Allen, Christopher, Umemura, & Jacobvitz, 2015). Mental and emotional balance. Each woman is different and what makes them come alive is a significant piece to this puzzle. For one mama, staying home with their babies could be a dream come true, while, to the next women it could be a very daunting task regardless of dearly loving their children just the same. Investment can still be intact and healthy even if it means that a working mom ensures her high drive is appeased at work, allowing for a relaxed mama to be more engaged at home. For some fields, like psychology, working mothers reported having a better work life balance precisely because they were satisfied with their career and it brought them contentment that encouraged a better tone for them even in the home (Wiens, Theule, Keates, Ward, & Yaholkoski, 2022). For other women, working and balancing home life can be overwhelming and staying in one lane is the best instead of letting work stress take away from home life quality. The key is the integration of work for a good work life balance or the balance of being a stay-at-home mom and still taking care of yourself as a mom. Either decision requires ownership and intentionality. We are at our best personally, not perfect but progressing, we are in a much better place to parent out of an overflow than lack internally. Other matters to consider: Cost benefit of paying for childcare vs. staying at home. For some parents, it cost as much or more than they are making to send their child to daycare. Paying a family member or nanny can be a viable option but is comes with its own challenges, such as potential inconsistency, more emotional navigation with clearly communicating expectations and boundaries, etc. Again, the main concern being quality of care and finding a sweet-spot between a financially manageable, developmentally appropriate, and emotionally and emotionally manageable situation. Types of jobs/work hour shifts. Another question related to whether a parent should go back to work is what kind of job they want to have. As discussed, there is the financial cost-benefit analysis, but there is also mental and emotional cost-benefit consideration to be made as well. One example is having parents rotate childcare needs by having one spouse work night shifts. While this may be financially beneficial and make a lot of sense on paper, research suggests that it can have a significant mental and emotional toll on individuals and marriages that cost the family in other ways. Specifically, new parents working non-day shifts may be at a higher risk factor for developing depressive symptoms and having more relationship conflict (Perry-Jenkins, Goldberg, Pierce, & Sayer, 2007). When considering what might be the best work scenario, research shows that parental stress is reduced in the context of a flexible job environment where management understands when changes are needed for childcare purposes (Pilarz, 2021). Some full-time jobs accommodate this, but another option (if feasible) could be a part-time job that provides some additional income and more flexibility, as well as social connection for moms. Some research shows that moms who work part-time have a better work-life balance, with better personal well-being as well as more sensitive parenting (Buehler & O'Brien, 2011). Access to quality childcare. At preschool age, the quality of care is largely dependent on whether a teacher engages with the children in a developmentally appropriate way, both academically and socially. Research has found that preschool teachers’ instructional interactions predict a child's academic and language skills, and their emotional interactions impact a child's social skills. While this may vary from classroom to classroom, a preschool that intentionally provides both program and professional development to improve teacher–child interactions facilitate the best environment for growth (Mashburn, 2008). Asking questions about what is being taught at your child's developmental age, how they are engaged in play, how they are redirected when misbehaving, and how teachers are supported is a good place to start. Engaging with your child's teachers in a meaningful way and intentionally encouraging them is another practical way to help contribute to a positive classroom environment indirectly as well! Social connection: Our babies are not the only ones who need social connections! As moms, we do too! If you choose to be a stay-at-home mom, take this encouragement to be proactive about having connections for yourself outside of the home. This will help with the mental and emotional balance of being a mom of littles. Similarly, if you are a working mom, that does not automatically mean that your coworkers, if you have any, provide the kind of support you need in this season. Be intentional to connect with others who lift up your arms as a mama. Attitude: Some studies have shown that a mother’s attitude toward her decision to return to work was a major predictor of quality of attachment. If a mom chooses to go back to work, they are more likely to maintain a healthy attachment with their child when they are confident and at peace with their choice to do so (Harrison, & Ungerer, 2002). This is good insight when it can sometimes be natural to second guess our decisions. In this case, it is best for moms and their babies that - whatever decision is made - the mom is able to own it and encourage their family in the direction they have chosen to go with confidence. This list is not an exhaustive list and it primarily focuses on preschool children, but the principles stay the same throughout a child's development. A good summary could be that, when your child’s black and white needs are met, a helpful guide in making decisions in the gray areas can be to consider what factors can contribute to you being the best parent you can be, which will indirectly benefit your child. It is so important to remind ourselves, it is not about being a perfect parent, but rather doing the best with what we have and teaching our children to problem solve, take risks, do hard things, and apologize and redirect when needed. One day your baby will be an adult too and your attitude, intentionality, and humility will speak more to them than the details of every day. Whichever side you find yourself on, keep in mind that what is best for your family might not be the best for the next family. Mom guilt is real, and mom-to-mom support is invaluable and goes a long way in lightening the emotional load we all carry. If you are a working mom, own it, embrace the pros and cons and enjoy quality time with your little ones. If you are a stay-at-home mom, own it, embrace the pros and cons and enjoy quality time with your little ones.  The details on how that looks will be different but the quality for each can be just as deep. Is mom guilt inevitable? Maybe. But that does not mean you can’t learn to manage it, minimize it, and have an ultimate goal to eliminate it. References Buehler, C., & O'Brien, M. (2011). Mothers' part-time employment: associations with mother and family well-being. Journal of family psychology : JFP : journal of the Division of Family Psychology of the American Psychological Association (Division 43), 25(6), 895–906. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0025993 Harrison, L. J., & Ungerer, J. A. (2002). Maternal employment and infant-mother attachment security at 12 months postpartum. Developmental Psychology, 38(5), 758–773. https://doi-org.sagu.idm.oclc.org/10.1037/0012-1649.38.5.758 Hazen, N. L., Allen, S. D., Christopher, C. H., Umemura, T., & Jacobvitz, D. B. (2015). Very extensive nonmaternal care predicts mother-infant attachment disorganization: Convergent evidence from two samples. Development and psychopathology, 27(3), 649–661. https://doi.org/10.1017/S0954579414000893 Hsin, A., & Felfe, C. (2014). When does time matter? maternal employment, children's time with parents, and child development. Demography, 51(5), 1867–1894. https://doi.org/10.1007/s13524-014-0334-5 Mashburn A., Pianta R., Hamre B., Downer J., Barbarin O., Bryant D., Burchinal M., Early D., Howes C., (2008). Measures of classroom quality in prekindergarten and children’s development of academic, language, and social skills. Child Development 79 (3): 732–749 https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1467-8624.2008.01154.x Perry-Jenkins, M., Goldberg, A. E., Pierce, C. P., & Sayer, A. G. (2007). Shift Work, Role Overload, and the Transition to Parenthood. Journal of marriage and the family, 69(1), 123–138. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1741-3737.2006.00349.x Pilarz A. R. (2021). Mothers' Work Schedule Inflexibility and Children's Behavior Problems. Journal of family issues, 42(6), 1258–1284. https://doi.org/10.1177/0192513x20940761 Wiens, Theule, Keates, Ward, & Yaholkoski (2022). Work–family balance and job satisfaction: An analysis of Canadian psychologist mothers. Canadian Psychology / Psychologie Canadienne. https://doi-org.sagu.idm.oclc.org/10.1037/cap0000321

Morgan Brown, M.S. In February, there is a struggle that many of us face: The death of our New Year’s resolutions. We started strong during the first week of January…or maybe the first day? And things quickly went downhill. The excitement faded, energy dwindled, and the habits and changes that you craved for yourself suddenly don’t feel worth it anymore. This is something that so many of us go through every year, but how do we change that this year? The first step is to acknowledge that a change needs to happen. Maybe you need to drink more water, eat healthier foods, or exercise regularly. Maybe you need to find a healthy hobby, spend more time with family, or watch less TV. Whatever your goal is, you have made this goal because you were fed up with whatever you were doing before. Lean into that feeling and allow it to push you toward change. The next step is to come up with a plan. To come up with a plan, you need to make sustainable and realistic daily goals for yourself. Here are some rules for your daily goals: Make them OBVIOUS. If you are trying to drink more water, keep a gallon of water on the counter for you to see every day. If you are trying to eat healthier, put the carrots at the front of the shelf in the fridge. If you want to exercise more, set out your workout clothes for the next day so you can’t miss them. 2. Make them FUN. If you want to exercise, but you hate running, don’t make it your goal to run a mile every day. Try yoga, zumba, weight lifting, walking, or sports. If you want to watch less TV, don’t make yourself read the dictionary instead. Do something that you enjoy when you would normally watch TV. Goals don’t have to be boring to mean something. 3. Make them EASY. If you want to read more, don’t make it your goal to read a whole book before you go to bed at night. Make your goal to read for two minutes or to read one page a day. If you want to cut sugar out of your diet, don’t make it your goal to never eat sugar again. Make it your goal to only eat one dessert a day instead of two, or two desserts instead of three. Make it easy and achievable. Once you make a plan of daily goals that follow these rules, remind yourself of the first step to keep you going. You were fed up with how things were, so keep achieving daily wins to see change in your life. These things apply to any and every age, including your kids! If your kids, preteens, or teenagers have goals for themselves, sit down with them and help them make a plan. Encourage them each day, and congratulate them on their achievements and their daily wins. Make it a big deal because it is! Now, if a new habit for your kids is not necessarily their choice, but something that has to change for their health, that’s a little different. In this case, the family needs to sit down together and create a plan for change. If you realize that your child is eating too much junk food, make a goal for the family to eat better, not just the child. If the child sees that they are the only ones having to make a change, I’m sure you can imagine the tantrum that is sure to follow. In this planning meeting, give the child some options for daily goals. Let them pick from a list of healthier meal options, hobbies that don’t involve screens, or a family activity. Let them take some ownership of the plan so they feel like they have truly achieved something, not just made to do something they never wanted to do. Finally, continuously encourage each other and allow your kids to encourage you too! You all deserve a healthier you and every win is a big one for you and your family. Morgan is accepting new patients. If interested, please contact our office!

Morgan Flores, M.S. Morgan is a unique therapist in that she has training in psychology and also holds a pastoral license, making her uniquely qualified to incorporate biblical principles into therapy when desired. In some church settings and Christian homes “psychology” and “mental health” have been considered taboo topics or concepts that are off the table for consideration. Christians can feel leery of counseling out of a concern that psychology can be used to try and navigate life without God or they believe that mental health problems are only faith issues. On the contrary, it is worth noting that God made humans very intricate and complex, and considering how we were designed is insightful in understanding how we function, or stop functioning in some way. The Bible says we were made in his image (Genesis 1:27, Bible verse) and we have a spirit, soul (mind and personality), and body (1 Thessalonians 5:23, Bible verse). From a Christian perspective, when talking about mental health issues or anything negative, destructive, or painful in life, it can be traced back to the fall of man in the first book of the Bible (Genesis 3). When the first humans, Adam and Eve, chose to disobey God, sin entered the world which not only affected them but every human thereafter. In everyday life, the suffering of the spirit, soul, and body occurs because of someone’s own sin, the sins of others, or simply because we live in an imperfect world. The general degeneration that sin introduced presents as physical and mental ailments in people's lives, both Christian and non-Christian alike. Mental health issues can genuinely be an affliction that some people experience like any other ailment. This knowledge can reduce the stigma that getting help can have. Even in the case of mental suffering due to questionable decision-making, if someone came to get help, would it not be more like Jesus to go to that person rather than leave them to suffer? He came for the sinner (Mark 9:10-17), is close to the brokenhearted (Psalms 34:18), and gives wisdom generously to those who ask without finding fault (James 1:5). Something I love about God and that deeply comforts and challenges me is that He is not just interested in getting people to heaven; he wants people to live genuine, god-honoring, full, and abundant lives here and now. Walking in that reality is a faith-filled process that requires reflection, humility, and intentional growth! Amazingly, the principles in God’s Word benefit both Christians and non-Christians alike. Granted, as a Christian, I believe the biggest blessing in Christianity is God himself. It does not surprise me, however, when empirically based psychological research and interventions align with the Bible and beautifully complement the application of godly living. When considering Christians specifically, it is important to note that having spiritual disciplines, such as going to church, serving, and keeping Christian company, does not automatically mean someone is emotionally mature. These are avenues God uses for growth and are worthwhile but a person can engage in these activities all their life and still be in the same place mentally and emotionally as they were before they were saved. Even reading the Bible does not automatically equate to biblical living. The application of the Word is what makes a difference and it is a very personal process as patterns of dysfunction are challenged in everyone's life. The wise see it not as a roadblock but rather an opportunity for growth, deeper intimacy with God, and a more fulfilling and meaningful life in relationship with others. Not all people, even those who call themselves Christians, are willing to go on this journey, however. Put another way, just like wisdom does not automatically come with age, spirituality does not automatically equal emotional maturity. Intentional work in therapy can facilitate the process of emotional maturity that honors God and leads people into the abundant life God wants them to have. From this perspective, it is very courageous and faith-provoking to engage in counseling when it is used to better understand ourselves, better understand God and truly allow our beliefs as Christians to define how we live and not just go on with the same old same old just because it is familiar. In the case of non-Christians, I have personally seen God use therapy in a person’s life to meet them in their deepest pain and confusion, quiet the chaos, and bring light to the darkest places with utmost patience and care. For this reason, I am not exclusively a Christian counselor but rather a therapist who is a Christian who offers Christian counseling and non-Christian counseling as well. I deeply trust that God himself loves each of my patients and is actively pursuing them with such intentionality that I am not set on being the one who presents the gospel in direct terms with patients who are not of the same perspective. I respect each patient’s journey and where they are in relation to God. It is not my job to persuade or convince but rather speak the trust in love, modeling genuine connection and unconditional care. I ask God for discernment to see and understand each patient in their pain and to have the grace to be able to meet them there and begin the journey forward. In short, I believe that is what Jesus did and I am so honored to share that space with my patients too. Let it be acknowledged, that the perspective that counseling is anti-Christian can come from a deeply admirable desire to trust God above all else and grow in faith. Having faith and trusting in God as our primary source, however, does not mean that God cannot use a medical or mental health intervention as the means of help and healing in a way that honors him (and even grows their faith in the process)! God can, AND DOES, heal people in a moment. He also can, and does, heal people through a process; of mending and restoring while also teaching and building up along the way. While it is not the only avenue, therapy can be a tool in God's hand to initiate, cultivate, and celebrate this process in a beautiful way. Morgan is currently accepting new patients! If you are interested in services with Morgan, please contact our office and our Patient Care Coordinator will assist you.

Morgan Brown, M.S. Let’s say you have a child that is, for all intents and purposes, a loose cannon. They are constantly having temper tantrums about who knows what. They are always yelling and crying about seemingly insignificant changes to their schedule. They have a nighttime routine that takes 20 minutes to get through because they must know if the door is locked, the windows are locked, the car is locked, the refrigerator door is closed, the lights are turned off (but not the one in the hallway), and there is a clear path from their room to your room that they could take in the dark in case of emergencies. They come across as difficult, emotionally sensitive, manipulative, and defiant. But, if you think about it for a second, could it be that this child is just feeling overly anxious? It goes without saying, but children and adults are very different. As we grow, we mature in understanding ourselves, our feelings, and how to verbalize that connection. That being said, emotions and their expressions are going to look different between a child and a mature adult or even an adolescent. For example, if an adult is feeling sad, most of the time, they are able to verbalize what has caused them to feel sad (grieving a loss, hurt feelings, disappointment, etc.). However, children may not be able to pinpoint the cause of their sadness; they just know that they feel sad! This also applies to other emotions, including anxiety. A study conducted by Suveg and Zeman (2004) on anxiety in children found that children with anxiety disorders “had difficulty managing worried, sad, and anger experiences, potentially due to their report of experiencing emotions with high intensity and having little confidence in their ability to regulate this arousal.” Not only does high anxiety bring difficulty with regulating emotions, but it also brings low self-esteem and low confidence in the ability to tolerate the anxiety. No wonder anxious children come across as difficult and defiant. There is a lot going on in their young brains and bodies! It has been established that anxiety in children is expressed in different ways, but what are those ways? Here are some common expressions of anxiety and worry in children. Anger Anger is a common expression of anxiety in children, and it makes sense when you think about it. As you most likely know, anxiety is a strong (or big) emotion. Imagine having that anxiety with no idea as to what you are feeling or how to verbalize what you are feeling. It would be frustrating, right? And add to that frustration that you also have authority figures who do not understand what you are experiencing, giving orders or punishments, further increasing that anxiety and feeling of being overwhelmed. That’s when the child becomes extremely frustrated and angry with no obvious cause for anger. Chandeliering Brene Brown (2015) defined chandeliering as being the moment when a seemingly calm person suddenly flies off the handle. This occurs when someone makes an innocent comment or people are simply going about their business when the child erupts in a temper tantrum. What caused it? Anxiety. When children feel unequipped to handle or verbalize their worry or anxiety, they may push it down, but we can only hold so much before we are sent straight through the chandelier. Restlessness Most of us have heard about the Fight or Flight Response to danger, but what happens when we feel afraid as if we are in danger, but we have nothing to fight or run from? Well, we have excess energy with no outlet. This situation can result in hyperactivity or jittery movements. Controlling Behaviors There is fear in uncertainty. When we feel as though we have no control over our situation, in order to ease the fear, we want to take control of it. For children, this may look like they are being demanding, rude, bossy, or aggressive. In reality, they are just trying to gain a sense of safety in their world by taking control of situations that make them feel uncomfortable. Clinginess I think it goes without saying, but we tend to feel the safest with those who provide our needs, which for most of us, is our parents. In children, this may look like stubborn clinginess, but really, it is the child trying to calm their anxiety by going to their safe place. Tummy Aches, Headaches, or Sore Muscles Does your child frequently complain about an upset stomach or headache when they wake up in the morning? It may seem like they are just trying to get out of going to school (and maybe they are), but for some, it is their physical body dealing with anxiety. When we feel that we are in danger, the stress hormone, Cortisol, is released in our bodies. Two places that this hormone is released are in (you guessed it!) the head and the stomach. Nighttime is scary for a lot of kids, so Cortisol might have been settling into their little bodies through the night. Additionally, the body tenses when one is anxious, and when your muscles are tensed for a long time, it creates soreness. Your child might not be lying, they may really not feel good in the mornings! Trouble Sleeping Speaking of nighttime, anxiety tends to increase at night for a lot of children. It’s dark and quiet; the perfect recipe for growing anxiety. When you’re anxious, your mind is reeling, and not wanting to slow down and go to sleep. This leaves your child tossing and turning through the night, or going to bed late/waking up early. Having been the child described at the beginning, I know what helped me process and regulate my anxious behaviors when I was a kid. Here are a few things that you can do to help your anxious child. Create a safe space for emotional expression. Allowing your child to feel the emotions they are experiencing in a safe space and talking to them about those feelings is beneficial for their confidence and emotional maturity. Educate them on different emotions and what they feel like This allows your child to understand what they are feeling in order to verbalize their needs, decreasing their need for meltdowns. If they know how (and are encouraged) to tell you what they are feeling and what they need, they will be less likely to see a tantrum as their only way to bring attention to their needs. Create a fear (or worry) box For a child who has a lot of fears, this is a great tool. Grab an empty box and have your child decorate it however they like. This will be their Fear/Worry Box. Whenever they have a fear or a worry that day, they can write it or draw it on a piece of paper and put it in the box. You can either keep the fear in the box because when it’s in the box, it can’t get back out! Or you can designate a time to go through the box together with your child and talk through all of the fears and worries they have had, providing reassurance and support. Once they have been talked about, they can be ripped up and thrown away because those worries are NOT here to stay! Practice breathing exercises and mindfulness Taking slow deep breaths: In (like you’re smelling a flower) and out (like you’re blowing a bubble) is a good way to calm down when you’re feeling anxious and it’s an exercise that can be done no matter where you’re child is. Simple yoga stretches (downward dog, cow pose, cat pose, child pose, rainbow stretch, etc.) are also a great way of refocusing the mind and slowing down anxious thoughts. Regular therapy Finally, having your child involved in therapy sessions, whether every week, every other week, or once a month would be beneficial to help your child learn healthy coping skills and emotional regulation. It also gives your child a safe space to express and process emotions that they may not feel comfortable talking about with those whom they see every day. Anxiety is a big emotion, but it is not impossible to manage. There is hope for highly anxious children and for your family. Growth is possible! Morgan is currently accepting new patients! If you are interested in services with Morgan, please contact our office and our Patient Care Coordinator will assist you. Citations: Brown, B. (2015). Rising strong. Vermilion. Suveg, C. & Zeman, J. (2004). Emotion regulation in children with anxiety disorders, Journal of Clinical Child & Adolescent Psychology, 33:4, 750-759.