The Invisible Load: The mental load for moms no one warns you about

When people talk about peripartum mental health, they usually focus on postpartum depression or anxiety—and that’s incredibly important. But there’s something else many new moms go through that doesn’t get nearly enough attention: the mental load for moms that comes with motherhood. I’m not talking about the physical tasks of parenting, like changing diapers or feeding. I’m talking about the constant, never-ending stream of mental “tabs” that stay open in your head all day (and night). Your mind is constantly running: Did I switch the laundry? When was the baby’s last feeding? I need to schedule that pediatrician appointment. Is this rash normal? Did I do enough tummy time today? It’s like having a browser with a dozen tabs open at all times—and you never really get to close any of them. If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone, and NO, you’re not imagining it. This is often called the invisible load, and it’s real.

What Is the Invisible Load?

The invisible load doesn’t look the same for everyone. It can weigh heavily on moms whether you have one child or a house full of them. It’s not about how many kids you have—it’s about the constant mental juggling that comes with caring for others. It is all the mental, emotional, and logistical weight that many moms carry that is often without recognition or support. It’s the behind-the-scenes work of managing a household, caring for a child, and anticipating everyone’s needs. This includes remembering appointments, tracking feeding and sleep schedules, keeping up with school forms, grocery lists, birthday gifts, and even knowing where everyone’s shoes are. It’s checking the diaper bag before leaving the house, noticing when laundry needs to be done before anyone else does, and always being mentally three steps ahead. It’s the emotional labor of regulating your child’s feelings while barely managing your own, or absorbing a partner’s stress while holding it all together. It’s constantly weighing decisions—Should we try a new formula? Was that cry normal? Do I need to call the doctor?—and often doing so with very little rest.

This is why so many moms say, “I’m exhausted, but I didn’t do anything today.” Because while it may look like “nothing” from the outside, internally, your brain was on overdrive. You did a lot—you just weren’t physically clocking in and out. You did it all while trying to remember to maintain a sense of your own identity that you also feel like you lost along the way either during pregnancy or after the baby was born. Somewhere in the blur of feedings, laundry, and middle-of-the-night wake-ups, it’s easy to lose sight of the person you were before becoming “Mom.” The invisible load is real, it’s heavy, and it deserves to be acknowledged. Just because it’s not visible doesn’t mean it isn’t work. In fact, it’s often the most exhausting kind.

When this mental load builds up (and it almost always does), it can lead to some pretty serious struggles. You might start feeling constantly anxious or on edge, or notice that you’re more irritable than usual. Sleep becomes a challenge—not just because of the baby, but because your brain won’t turn off. You might find yourself snapping at people you love over small things, or feeling emotionally numb and disconnected from everything and everyone around you. There may be a constant sense that you're falling short, even when you're doing everything in your power. You may feel resentment, guilt, or sadness that lingers throughout the day. Sometimes, it shows up as decision fatigue—feeling paralyzed by even the smallest choices—or as a deep loneliness, even when you're rarely alone. This invisible weight can take a toll on your mental and physical health, making it harder to enjoy the moments you want to be present for.

Why It Matters and Why Don’t We Talk About It More?

Because the invisible load isn’t usually very visible. A lot of people that you interact with frequently don’t even notice it. Maybe not even your partner, your friends, or your own parents. It doesn’t come with a clock-in time, a job title, or a checklist you can point to. It lives in the quiet spaces: the middle-of-the-night mental notes, the endless background worry, the planning five steps ahead while managing the present moment. You know others mean well when they say things like, “But your baby is healthy!” or “Enjoy every minute, it goes by so fast,” or “You’re doing such a great job!” These comments are usually meant with love and good intentions, but they can leave you feeling unseen and unheard. Because while you might look like you have it all together on the outside, inside you may feel like you’re barely holding it together. You’re grateful, yes, but also insanely overwhelmed, exhausted, and stretched thinner than you’ve ever been before.

There’s also a pressure to be the “supermom” who does it all without complaint. We’re told to savor every moment, be endlessly selfless, and bounce back quickly in all ways: physically, emotionally, socially. There’s an unspoken expectation to carry the mental load silently, and to do so with a smile. So when you don’t feel like you're managing it all well, it’s easy to think something must be wrong with you. You can start to second-guess your feelings or minimize them. But the truth is, struggling doesn’t mean you’re ungrateful for you child(ren). It doesn’t mean you’re weak, or failing, or any less of a good parent. It just means you’re human.

What Can Help?

If you’re feeling mentally maxed out, know that you’re not alone. More importantly, there are things that can help. The first step? Say it out loud. Sometimes, simply naming what you’re feeling—“I’m feeling really mentally overloaded,”can be extremely powerful. When you put words to the invisible load, it not only validates your experience for yourself, but also helps those around you better understand what you’re going through. Next, give yourself permission to ask for help, and to do so without guilt! This is one of the hardest things for many moms, especially those used to being the go-to, the planner, the one who just gets it all done. But here’s the truth: asking for help doesn’t make you weak. It makes you human. Learn to lean on your partner to schedule the pediatrician appointment. Let a friend or family member take over dinner duty for a night (I promise they want to). Delegate the grocery pickup. It’s okay to lean on your village, even if that village is small or still forming. New moms were never meant to carry all of this alone.

Take time to care for yourself. Even if it’s just for a few minutes each day, carving out space to do something you enjoy or simply to breathe can make a huge difference. Whether it’s a quick walk outside, a few stretches, a short meditation, or diving into a hobby you used to love. Taking this time doesn’t make you selfish. It’s necessary! Physical activity, even something gentle like a walk or yoga, can boost your mood, reduce stress, and help you reconnect with your body. Also, try revisiting hobbies you used to enjoy or explore new ones that fit your current lifestyle. If you don’t have time to sit down and read a book, for example, look for an audiobook or podcast you can listen to while driving, cooking, or cleaning. If you liked crafting but don’t have long stretches of free time, try quick projects like coloring, knitting, or even simple doodling during small breaks. If you enjoyed music, create playlists that lift your mood or try learning a new song on an instrument in short sessions. The key is to find little pockets of time to connect with things that bring you joy, even if it’s just for a few minutes.

Talking to someone who really gets it can make a huge difference. Therapists who specialize in perinatal mental health understand the invisible stress, the identity shifts, and the deep exhaustion that doesn’t go away with just a nap or a shower. They know that even when everything looks “fine” on the outside, you might be barely holding it together inside.

Having a space to just talk—without needing to explain or sugarcoat anything—can be a huge relief. You don’t have to worry about saying the “right” thing or keeping it all together. You can cry, vent, be totally honest, and actually feel heard.

And therapy isn’t just about giving you coping tools (although that helps, too). It’s also about feeling seen and supported. It’s a space to sort through everything you’ve been carrying, and maybe even reconnect with parts of yourself that have gotten lost in the shuffle. Because yes, you’re a mom, but you’re also a person with your own needs, feelings, and dreams. You deserve that kind of support, even if you don’t think you do.

If there’s one thing I hope you remember, it’s this: you’re not failing—you’re just carrying way too much on your plate. Motherhood is full of love and sweet moments, but it’s also full of pressure, expectations, and a never-ending to-do list. It’s okay to say, “This is a lot.” It’s okay to feel overwhelmed. It’s okay to need help. So many moms feel like they should be able to do it all with a smile on their face and feeling 100% okay, but unfortunately that’s just not real life. What no one sees is all the behind-the-scenes mental work and how exhausting it can be to keep up with it all.

But here’s the thing: there’s no medal for doing it all by yourself. No one hands out trophies for pushing through in silence (though honestly, if they did, we’d all be walking around with a bunch!) What you do deserve is support, rest, and a chance to feel like yourself again and not just someone going through the motions. Take it from someone who knows firsthand—it doesn’t usually get better on its own. So if you’re feeling overwhelmed, stretched too thin, irritable, anxious, down, or just plain exhausted, know that you’re definitely not alone. Reach out. Talk to someone. Ask for help. Let others share the load with you. Because you matter! Not just as a mom, but as you. It’s possible to fully embrace your role as a mom while still staying true to who you are. That’s the beauty of motherhood—it doesn’t mean you have to lose yourself and who you were before kids, but rather growing into a new version of you. You can nurture your family and also nurture your own dreams, passions, and well-being. Finding that balance might take time and support, but it’s absolutely within reach!