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Morgan Brown, M.S. Have you ever felt lonely? Maybe you recently moved to a new city, state, or country and you don’t know anyone. Maybe you know plenty of people, but you can’t seem to connect on a deep enough level. Or maybe, just maybe, you have many deep relationships, but still feel lonely. You can stand in the middle of a crowded room and feel completely alone. In these situations, what can you do? The first step, and the most important step, is to continue taking care of yourself. A lot of times, when we get in a funk and start feeling down, we don’t take care of ourselves the way we should. Make sure that you are still keeping your body and face clean and your teeth and hair brushed. Make sure you are eating regularly (3 meals a day with a snack if needed) and sleeping well for 8 hours. Some days, you may even want to put a little more effort in to make yourself feel even better. Put your favorite cologne on or your favorite earrings in, even if you're just hanging out around the house. When we feel like we’re looking good, we feel more confident! After this, the next step is putting yourself around people. Get out of the house to do something that you enjoy like reading at a coffee shop, browsing the comics at the local comic bookstore, walking through a park, or hoping for a good find at the thrift shop. Join a class like a workout class at the gym, a crocheting class at the library, or a sports class at the community center. When we go to the same place at the same time on the same days, we usually end up seeing the some of the same people. If you notice that you’re seeing some familiar faces, say “hey!” You don’t have to have a deep heart-to-heart with anyone; just challenge yourself to share some pleasantries with someone new. When we allow ourselves to make connections, even small ones, we are allowing ourselves to feel less alone. In fact, oxytocin, the love hormone, is released in our bodies when we give someone a compliment, do something nice for someone, or make those little connections with others. Additionally, dopamine, the reward chemical, is released when we achieve goals and take care of ourselves. We feel good when these “happy chemicals” are flowing, so by setting these goals, achieving these tasks, and making these connections, we are not only building relationships, but we are making ourselves feel great in the process! Finally, don’t be afraid to ask for help. This could be seeking therapy from a professional or asking your best friend for a night in to just watch the game or have a spa night. You don’t have to tell everyone everything you’re going through to ask for some help. You can just ask for some company for lunch to feel supported, loved, and less lonely. Don’t think that this feeling is forever. There are options for you to feel connections with others and you can handle the challenge! If you could use help fighting loneliness, reach out! We are accepting new patients.

Veronica Guerrero-Quan, LPA-Independent Practice Ever wondered if you are struggling with social anxiety? Or if you are simply shy? I’m a psychotherapist who struggled with social anxiety from elementary school through the third year of college (give or take). So please give me the honor of breaking this down for you! Enjoy! What is social anxiety? Social anxiety, as defined by the diagnostic manual for mental disorders (DSM-5-TR), is described as a “marked fear or anxiety about one or more social situations in which the individual is exposed to possible scrutiny by others.” At the core of social anxiety is this deep fear or anxiety about being scrutinized or judged by others. As such, someone may experience social anxiety regarding social interactions, being observed by others, and performing in front of others. Examples of social situations that may provoke social anxiety for someone may include: -          Having a conversation -          Meeting unfamiliar people (e.g., going on a date; making a new friend) -          Making work-related phone calls -          Writing school- or work-related emails -          Eating or drinking in front of others -          Walking in front of others -          Performing for others (e.g., dance recital; piano recital; cheerleading) -          Giving a speech -          Delivering a presentation Some individuals that experience social anxiety may fear that they will act in a way or show anxiety symptoms that would be negatively evaluated by others. They may fear that their anxiety symptoms would cause a humiliating or embarrassing experience; they may fear being rejected by others or offending them.   Social anxiety vs. normal shyness How does social anxiety differ from normal shyness? Shyness is a personality trait that is not independently pathological. In fact, shyness is seen as a positive quality in certain parts of the world! In western society, extroversion may be glamorized and praised in comparison to shyness—but this does not mean that one is “right” while the other is “wrong” or “less than”! It may be helpful to think of extroversion, socialness, introversion, shyness, and social anxiety to all be on a spectrum. There are varying degrees along the spectrum. On one extreme of the spectrum, you may have those who crave and adore being the center of attention, to the detriment of healthy connections in their own lives. On the opposite extreme of the spectrum, we have social anxiety—which also impairs healthy connections. In the middle of the spectrum, we have extroversion, varying degrees of sociability, introversion, and shyness. Someone may be experiencing social anxiety (not shyness) if the following are present: -          Social situations commonly provoke fear or anxiety. -          Social situations are endured with intense fear/anxiety—or avoided altogether! -          The fear or anxiety is out of proportion to the actual threat posed by the social situation. -          The fear, anxiety, or avoidance has persisted for 6 months or more. -          The fear, anxiety, or avoidance causes significant distress or impairment in an individual’s life (e.g., causing issues at work; affecting academic performance; affecting social connectedness) I think I have social anxiety… now what? There is good news! People can recover from social anxiety! I know this as a psychotherapist and as a human. As I mentioned before, I used to struggle with social anxiety up until my third year in college. Overcoming social anxiety can be done in several ways. One of the most effective, as supported by research, includes exposure therapy. A therapist who provides exposure therapy would likely first establish a desired level of trust with you, then identify the degree of social anxiety you experience, then teach you relaxation techniques, and eventually create a Social Anxiety Hierarchy of “challenge items.” The idea in exposure therapy is to gradually desensitize an individual to the feared situation by facing “social anxiety challenges” that progressively increase in intensity over time throughout the course of therapy. Don’t worry, this is done at the pace of the therapy client and only with their consent. A therapy client is never forced to do something that they are not desiring to do. And, as someone who used to struggle with social anxiety, I completely empathize with my therapy clients whom I suggest “social anxiety challenges” to. If this post has resonated with you and you are interested in taking a first step toward your healing, reach out to Stanley Psychology to request an appointment with me or any other available clinician. You deserve to heal! And as someone who has overcome social anxiety, I promise life is so much better, fulfilling, and freeing without social anxiety! Join me on the other side!   References: The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition, Text Revision (DSM-5-TR)

Veronica Guerrero-Quan, LPA-Independent Practice   “Without gratitude, we will never understand plentitude.” – Veronica   What is gratitude? The American Psychological Association defines gratitude as, “a sense of thankfulness and happiness in response to receiving a gift, either a tangible benefit (e.g., a present) given by someone or a fortunate happenstance (e.g., a beautiful day).” We could easily argue that humans have experienced gratitude, or at least plenty of opportunities to feel grateful, since we have been around on planet earth! Even so, it was not until the late 1990’s that the field of psychology began researching “positive psychology,” including gratitude . Before then, psychological research solely sought to understand mental illness and maladaptive behavior. The hope of finding remedy to human sorrow drove research and clinical practice. In 1998, former APA President Martin E.P. Seligman, PhD coined the term “positive psychology” and introduced an era of research expansion to include human well-being and the various factors that propel people to thrive (Azar, 2011). This expanded vision for psychological research has allowed us to empirically learn more about gratitude.   What have we learned about gratitude? Here are some inspiring take-aways from gratitude research: 1.     There is a correlation between gratitude and overall sense of wellbeing (Sansone & Sansone, 2010). 2.     Gratitude can increase longevity, our imagination capabilities, and our problem-solving capacities (Emmons & McCullough). 3.     Gratitude and meaningful living are closely linked (Toshimasa, 2008).  4.     Grateful people experience greater levels of contentment (Cloud, 2011). Who wouldn’t want to experience a healthier, happier, and meaningful life? Is this not what we all strive for? Why does it feel so unattainable to us at times? Without gratitude, we will never understand plentitude. Remember this sentence? Perhaps we must not await the most ideal or perfect of circumstances to FINALLY feel grateful. Perhaps plentitude awaits us the moment we pause, take note of the good we already have, and embrace gratitude. You may be thinking… But Veronica, plentitude means PLENTY—and I don’t have that!!! Well, what is “plentitude”? The Merriam-Webster defines “plentitude” as, “the quality or state of being full” or “a great sufficiency.” Plentitude paints a picture of completeness  and abundance . However, isn’t it interesting that completeness  and abundance can be defined very differently from person to person? Without gratitude, we will never understand plentitude. I invite you to take 30 seconds to list three fulfilled needs and desires of yours within the last week. For example, this could include meals, conversations, or experiences. Meditate on these three for a moment. What are they? How did they satisfy you? How did they make you feel? How did they impact you? Take a couple of minutes to meditate on the above questions. … My friend, welcome to the life of plentitude. Without gratitude, we will never understand plentitude.   How can we “live out” gratitude? Clinical psychologist Dr. Henry Cloud addresses the benefits of gratitude in his book, “The Law of Happiness.” He highlights the following three steps to fully embrace the benefits of gratitude: 1.     Feel your feelings of gratitude. Intentionally tapping into these feelings will positively impact your mood. 2.     Put words to your gratitude. This can include writing it down, saying it aloud, or keeping a gratitude jar of weekly entries. 3.     Tell them to God or other people. Be specific! Tell them what you are grateful for from them. Tell them what you are grateful for in life. This can include a prayer, a phone call, a text message, a card or written letter, a work email, or a face-to-face conversation!   An idea for practicing gratitude as a family: The Gratitude Jar! Practicing gratitude as a family is a great way to cultivate relational connectedness and collective contentment. I encourage you to consider starting a Gratitude Jar this month! 1.     Get a jar. 2.     Decorate the jar as a family! 3.     At the end of each week, every family member jots down their name, date, and one thing they are grateful for on a paper slip. 4.     Put your slips in the jar! 5.     Repeat every week for a year. 6.     Next year, you can gather as a family and read through the slips to celebrate gratitude! (You can break it up by days or weeks)   Without gratitude, we will never understand plentitude. May we enjoy a plentiful life!     References Azar, B. (2011, April 1). Positive psychology advances, with growing pains.  Monitor on Psychology ,  42 (4). https://www.apa.org/monitor/2011/04/positive-psychology Cloud, H. (2011). The Law of Happiness. Howard Books. Robert A. Emmons and Michael E. McCullough, eds., The Psychology of Gratitude (London: Oxford University Press, 2004), 232. Sansone, R. A., & Sansone, L. A. (2010). Gratitude and well-being: the benefits of appreciation.  Psychiatry (Edgmont (Pa. : Township)) ,  7 (11), 18–22. Toshimasa Sone et al., “Sense of Life Worth Living (Ikigai) and Mortality in Japan: Ohsaki Study,” Psychosomatic Medicine  70, no. 6 (2008): 709-15.

Petrona Kautz, M.S., M.A. As of late, coaching (sometimes called "life coaching") has become increasingly more popular- but what is it? Petrona is both a therapist and a licensed coach, and as such is uniquely qualified to speak on the differences. Don't miss the caution about coaching at the end of the article! In our journey through life, we encounter various obstacles, hurdles, and moments of uncertainty. These challenges often prompt us to seek guidance and support, but the question arises: should we turn to coaching or therapy? While both avenues offer valuable assistance, understanding the distinctions between coaching and therapy can help individuals make informed decisions about which path best suits their needs.   What is the purpose of each? Coaching and therapy serve distinct purposes, each addressing different aspects of personal development and well-being. Therapy primarily focuses on healing and addressing psychological issues, such as anxiety, depression, trauma, or relationship challenges. Therapists employ various techniques, including psychoanalysis, cognitive-behavioral therapy, or dialectical behavior therapy, to delve into the root causes of emotional distress and facilitate healing. On the other hand, coaching emphasizes personal and professional growth, goal-setting, and skill enhancement. Coaches work with individuals to identify their strengths, clarify their goals, and develop strategies to overcome obstacles. Whether it's career advancement, leadership development, or life transitions, coaching provides structured support to help clients maximize their potential and achieve their aspirations.   The Experience of a Session Therapy typically follows a more structured and clinically-oriented approach, often guided by evidence-based practices and therapies. Therapists are trained to explore deep-rooted emotions, past experiences, and patterns of behavior to promote healing and self-awareness. Sessions may involve exploring childhood experiences, processing emotions, and learning coping mechanisms to manage mental health concerns. In contrast, coaching adopts a forward-focused approach, concentrating on the present moment and future aspirations. Coaches empower clients to set clear objectives, establish action plans, and cultivate the necessary skills and mindset to accomplish their goals. Through active listening, powerful questioning, and accountability, coaches facilitate self-discovery and empower individuals to unlock their potential. In coaching, the client sets the agenda and arrives with the specific goal or project they want to discuss.   The Client-Practitioner Relationship The dynamics of the client-practitioner relationship also differ between coaching and therapy. In therapy, the relationship between the therapist and client is characterized by empathy, trust, and unconditional positive regard. Therapists provide a safe and non-judgmental space for clients to explore their innermost thoughts and emotions. The therapeutic alliance plays a crucial role in fostering healing and promoting personal growth. Similarly, the coaching relationship is built on trust, transparency, and accountability. Coaches serve as catalysts for change, challenging clients to push beyond their comfort zones and embrace growth opportunities. While coaches offer guidance and support, the emphasis remains on empowering clients to take ownership of their actions and decisions. In a coaching relationship, the client is considered the expert. The collaborative nature of coaching fosters a sense of partnership, with both coach and client working together towards achieving desired outcomes   Which is the Right Fit for You? Deciding between coaching and therapy depends on various factors, including the nature of the challenges faced, personal preferences, and desired outcomes. If you're grappling with past traumas, mental health issues, or deep-seated emotional struggles, therapy may provide the specialized support and intervention needed for healing and recovery.   Conversely, if you're seeking guidance in achieving specific goals, overcoming obstacles, or enhancing performance, coaching can offer practical tools, accountability, and a structured framework for growth. Whether you're navigating career transitions, improving relationships, or pursuing personal development goals, coaching can provide the clarity, motivation, and support needed to thrive. Importantly, if there is a diagnosable mental health concern you are seeking treatment for, coaching would not be a good fit.   Both coaching and therapy play invaluable roles in supporting individuals on their journey towards personal growth and fulfillment. By understanding the distinctions between the two approaches, individuals can make informed decisions about which path aligns best with their needs and aspirations. Whether embarking on a journey of self-discovery or seeking to overcome life's challenges, the key lies in finding the right support system to guide you towards a brighter, more empowered future. One Caution on Coaching: Although there are training and certifications that can be obtained for coaching, there is not mandatory organizational oversight- like a licensing board- and because it is not a protected term, many people without credentials can refer to themselves as a coach and market services accordingly. Be sure to research background and credentials if you are seeking a coach!

Jessica Simonetti, M.S. We all most likely know someone with a smartphone. We all also most likely know someone who is always on their phone and never seems to have the ability to set it down. They seem to be addicted to being on their phone at all times. Maybe this person is you or maybe it’s someone you know, but one thing is for sure: there is increased research that suggests using a smartphone or other electronic devices can cause symptoms congruent with an addiction and can potentially cause an increase in ADHD in adults. Smartphone addiction, also known as problematic or compulsive smartphone use, refers to excessive and compulsive use of smartphones or other mobile devices, often to the detriment of one's well-being, relationships, and daily functioning. While smartphones offer numerous benefits such as communication, access to information, and entertainment, excessive use can lead to negative consequences. Some signs of addiction to a cell phone include: Preoccupation: Constantly thinking about or feeling the urge to use the phone, even in inappropriate or unsafe situations. Excessive Use: Spending an excessive amount of time on the phone, often at the expense of other activities such as work, school, or socializing. Withdrawal Symptoms: Experiencing anxiety, irritability, or distress when unable to use the phone, such as when the battery dies or there is no internet connection. Loss of Control: Difficulty controlling phone use despite efforts to cut back or limit usage. Negative Impact on Relationships: Neglecting relationships with family and friends or experiencing conflict with loved ones due to excessive phone use. Negative Impact on Health: Physical symptoms such as eyestrain, headaches, neck or back pain, and disrupted sleep patterns due to excessive screen time. Impaired Functioning: Decline in academic or work performance, decreased productivity, or neglect of responsibilities due to excessive phone use. Escapism: Using the phone as a means of escaping from stress, boredom, or negative emotions. Previous research indicates that 15% of young American adults aged 18 to 29 rely heavily on their smartphones for online connectivity, with 46% viewing their smartphones as indispensable (Smith, 2015). Toma et. al (2022) completed a study that looked at the effects of smartphone addiction on adult ADHD symptoms and well-being of the user. They found that in connection with smartphone addiction, there was a moderately adverse correlation with well-being and a significantly positive association with symptoms of adult ADHD. Similar findings have been documented by other researchers investigating the repercussions of excessive or problematic utilization of electronic devices—such as addictive conduct contributing to diminished well-being and mental health complications. This can likely be attributed to some of the key traits of ADHD being linked to addictive and problematic behaviors that can occur with smartphone addiction. Another study done by Panagiotidi and Overton (2020) had a sample comprising of 273 healthy adult volunteers who took assessments using the Adult ADHD Self-Report Scale (ASRS), the Mobile Phone Problem Usage Scale (MPPUS), and the Smartphone Addiction Scale (SAS). A noteworthy positive correlation emerged between the ASRS and both scales. Notably, symptoms of inattention and age emerged as predictors of the propensity for smartphone addiction and problematic mobile phone usage. Their findings indicated a favorable association between traits indicative of ADHD and problematic utilization of mobile phones. As you can see, recent studies have revealed a notable overlap between smartphone addiction and ADHD symptoms in adults. Individuals with ADHD may be more susceptible to excessive smartphone use due to factors such as impulsivity, poor impulse control, and difficulty in maintaining attention. However, both smartphone addiction and ADHD can manifest with similar symptoms, and this overlap can sometimes make it challenging to distinguish between the two conditions. The important thing to note is the co-occurrence of smartphone addiction and ADHD can have detrimental effects on various aspects of adult functioning, including work, relationships, and mental well-being. So what can you do if this all sounds similar to what you are experiencing? A big first step is to first admit that you need help. There is nothing wrong with reaching this point and needing help to work past these issues you are facing.  Treatment requires a comprehensive approach that addresses both the smartphone addiction and ADHD symptoms simultaneously. This may involve things such as cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) techniques to modify problematic smartphone use patterns and other interventions to manage ADHD symptoms such as medication, psychoeducation, and skills training. Your therapist will work with you to provide education about the relationship between smartphone addiction and ADHD, as well as teach you coping strategies and alternative ways of managing ADHD symptoms. Mindfulness-based interventions, such as mindfulness meditation and progressive muscle relaxation, can help individuals develop greater self-awareness, reduce stress, and improve attentional control. These techniques can be particularly beneficial for managing impulsivity and regulating emotions. It is also important to establish clear boundaries and limitations around your smartphone use, such as setting specific times for phone-free activities or implementing times where your phone is not on for any reason in certain environments. This can help reduce reliance on smartphones and promote healthier habits. Overall, recognizing the interplay between smartphone addiction and ADHD in adults is essential for providing effective intervention and support. By addressing both conditions concurrently, clinicians can help individuals suffering with symptoms in these areas improve their functioning and quality of life again. Jessica is accepting new therapy patients. Please reach out to Stanley Psychology to inquire about services! References Panagiotidi, M., & Overton, P. (2020). Attention deficit hyperactivity symptoms predict problematic mobile phone use. Current Psychology, 41(5), 2765–2771. https://doi.org/10.1007/s12144-020-00785-2 Smith, A. (2015, April 1). U.S. smartphone use in 2015. Pew Research Center: Internet, Science & Tech. http://www.pewinternet.org/2015/04/01/us-smartphone-use-in-2015/ Toma, R. A., Anderson, C. A., Matichescu, M., Franţ, A., Almǎjan-Guţă, B., Cândea, A., & Bailey, K. (2022). Effects of media use, smart phone addiction, and adult ADHD symptoms on wellbeing of college students during the COVID-19 lockdown: Dispositional hope as a protective factor. Frontiers in Psychology, 13. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2022.1019976

Morgan Flores, M.S. As a parent, we want the best for our kids- better than the best! We want them to succeed beyond our limits and be all they can be. While this is in many ways honorable and drives us to do the hard work to set our kids up for success, there is also a dark side to the perfectionism this can fuel. Let’s be real, the “best” can translate to not being content with anything less than our lofty, and often unrealistic, expectations of ourselves and our kids. When reality challenges these expectations as parents we become discouraged, put out, and even depressed. We think thoughts like, “I am not a good enough mom” or “My son is making me look bad because he cannot get his act together and I am embarrassed.”. As a mom about to have three under three (due with baby #3 in April!), I know the feeling of striving to be all and do all for my kids. I inevitably miss the mark of where I want to be and, even in the good moments, I can find myself being drawn to focus on what was left undone or not done well. If we look deeper, it is not just about external situations but our craving for perfection has to do with our inner critic and the drive to try and feel ok with ourselves if we could just be the “best” parent with the “best” kids. In reality, we do not live in a perfect world, we are not perfect people (let alone perfect parents), and we will never have perfect children. Expecting perfection of ourselves and or of our children is a hope that is not based on reality and it leads to frustration and pain. Parents are left evaluating every decision, and every interaction, and feeling less than enough. Their kids learn through observation this is how they should evaluate themselves, not only for performance on external matters but for internal worth. Perfectionism is relentless and it rarely leads to joy. Our value goes way beyond what we do but perfectionism does not let us remember that very often. On the flip side, moving away from perfection: Should parents let their children do whatever they want and excuse inappropriate behavior with comments like, “they are only kids” or “they are only human”? No, because it is also harmful to swing too far to this end of the spectrum and withhold discipline, which is very much needed for kids to learn and have the tools to be successful in life. Some parents can take this extreme and feel, “My child can do no wrong” to the detriment of the very child they love so deeply. Let it be noted, that love is more than warm feelings and positive regard. Consistent and reasonable discipline for the sake of teaching and training your child is in fact very loving. Perfection is too far and doomed to failure. A lack of expectations and limits is not enough. Instead, we can strike a balance with progress over perfection. Progress as a parent is a very freeing concept. It means that we are not required to be perfect but we are intentional to grow. We do not expect the unattainable from our children but we still have the responsibility and privilege of calling out the growth that is appropriate for them to develop and become mature. Progress also leaves room for mistakes, and that is a beautiful thing! Each difficult situation is an opportunity to model humility. Our kids know we are not perfect anyway, so instead of expecting perfection and pretending we have it together, we can demonstrate how to handle failure, frustration, and conflict, saying “I’m sorry,” and forgiving to equip our children to know how to truly thrive in this imperfect world. In this scenario, we will still not attain perfection, but will have a much better chance at setting our kids up for success through modeling how to deal with genuine life challenges with a mindset of progress that normalizes mistakes but still compels us to grow. Who knows, this kind of paradigm shift could be the key to more genuine connections with our kids that has the potential to redefine the “best” to include ongoing growth that is good, not just for our kids, but us as well. Please reach out to our office to inquire about services with Morgan and our other therapists!

Veronica Guerrero-Quan, M.S., Licensed Psychological Associate- Independent Practice During an era of faith deconstruction, we must ask ourselves, “What the heck is causing large groups of people to re-analyze their Christian religious identity and belief system?” As you might suspect, this is multifaceted, and many factors are at play. Arguably, one of the many factors includes that of “church hurt” or “spiritual abuse.” Let me start by defining these phrases; although they can overlap, they are not entirely synonymous. “Church hurt” There is no secret to what this phrase might imply. It’s exactly as you might’ve guessed: church hurt means church hurt! All jokes aside, I would elaborate and clarify that “church hurt” is defined as hurt experienced within a church context or within a church system without necessarily rising to the severity of, or including the dynamics of, spiritual abuse. In other words: spiritual abuse includes church hurt, but church hurt is not always classified as spiritual abuse. Let’s read on to learn what spiritual abuse is! Spiritual Abuse Alright, what is spiritual abuse? Johnson and VanVonderen describe it this way: “Spiritual abuse can occur when a leader uses his or her spiritual position to control or dominate another person. It often involves overriding the feelings and opinions of another without regard to what will result in the other person’s state of living, emotions, or spiritual well-being.” By its very definition, spiritual abuse involves a power dynamic in which the abuser holds power/authority over the individual. Any time the word abuse is utilized in any context (for example, physical or sexual abuse), there is an understanding that the abuser somehow holds greater power than the abused individual (for example, greater physical strength). In the case of spiritual abuse, this power is often a social or hierarchal power granted to the leader by an institution or congregation; this granted authority often supersedes that of the abused individual(s). Thus, a spiritual abuser often holds social status that is hard to stand up against. Like in any case of abuse, it is vital to acknowledge the power difference, because this increases an individual’s vulnerability while diminishing their ability/willingness to advocate for themselves when needed. Now that I’ve highlighted the vitally important-to-note power differential, I want to get more specific on what spiritual abuse can look like. First, let me start with offering several examples of spiritual abuse to paint a picture for you: Being cut off from all communication with church members or leaders due to leaving the congregation or disrupting the group’s “harmony.” Being consistently encouraged or guilt-tripped into cutting ties with family or friends for the sake of pursuing holiness. Receiving extensive spiritual discipline and humiliation from spiritual leadership in front of others with the stated purpose of “lovingly correcting or sanctifying you.” The spiritual leader(s) being the ultimate “holder of truth” or “God’s mouthpiece” to such a degree that others’ opinions or genuine theological questions are silenced, dismissed, or chastised. The list of examples can go on and on, but I will stop here for the purpose of this blogpost. To further clarify the definition of spiritual abuse, allow me to explicitly highlight some very common spiritual abuse dynamics: Authoritarian leadership Discrepancy between leader’s teachings and personal lifestyle (hypocrisy) Discouragement of questions or critical thinking (groupthink) Spiritual suffering on leader’s terms Elitism and persecution Use of spiritual guilt, fear, and intimidation Fostering submission, loyalty, and obedience to spiritual authority Excessive discipline and humiliation This short list implies very dense details that I plan to share more about on future blogposts—so please stay tuned! Devastating Effects of Spiritual Abuse As you might imagine, the effects of spiritual abuse can be tragic. Every person’s experience is as unique as their upbringings and personalities. It can look differently from person-to-person, but I will nonetheless share some common outcomes among the spiritually abused: Distorted image of God Confusion about religious beliefs or worldview Identity confusion Low self-esteem Lack of living skills (for example, financial planning, job skills, social skills) Lack of trust in others Lack of trust in self (for example, distrusting own judgment or perception) This is not a comprehensive list of spiritual abuse outcomes, but it is a general summary of common general outcomes. Also, it is important to note that spiritual abuse can range in severity; typically, spiritual abuse outcome severity reflects spiritual abuse severity. Is there hope? Well, all this all sounds depressing so far… doesn’t it? You might have been wondering when I would get to the positive part. Here it is! As a licensed therapist with clinical knowledge, and as a human with her own healing journey from spiritual abuse, I can boldly state: THERE IS HOPE. Healing looks different from person to person, as everyone’s experiences and outcomes are unique. However, I will say there is hope when someone decides to courageously reach out for help after such devastating experiences! Therapy for the spiritually abused allows for taking inventory of psychological, emotional, relational, and spiritual damage. Mental health concerns are assessed, and therapy treats these concerns compassionately and supportively. What makes therapy unique from other professional or medical interventions is that the therapeutic relationship is generally more personable—and therapists are ethically UNALLOWED to impose their personal beliefs or biases on their therapy patients. This is a very important detail, as many individuals with a history of spiritual abuse fear to be in a one-on-one relationship with authority who will tell them what to think and do. The fear of getting hurt again is very real. I repeat: therapy is NOT about telling patients what to think or do. It is about helping them sort through their mess and find healing, even if it doesn’t line up with the therapist’s own belief system. With all of that said, I will end on this note: Pain is very real, and so is healing. Although pain may barge into our lives uninvited, healing must be invited in. I lovingly challenge you to invite healing into your life and reach out. Reach out to our office to inquire about therapy services with Veronica! References Enroth, R. M. (1992). Churches that abuse. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Churches_That_Abuse Johnson, D., & VanVonderen, J. (2005). The subtle power of spiritual abuse: Recognizing and Escaping Spiritual Manipulation and False Spiritual Authority Within the Church. Baker Books.

Morgan Flores, M.S. Maybe this sounds weird, but I am super passionate about talking about sex with patients because it is such a significant part of life for many people and it is such a hush-hush topic! Well, actually society brings up sex all the time, but not usually in the most flattering, informative, or helpful ways. Real talk about sex is needed as there are so many people out there who have genuine questions that there are legitimate answers to. If you could have a non-judgmental conversation about sex where you could express concerns, ask questions, and get feedback based on research today, would you? If even one question or concern comes to mind for you, here are some ideas of who you could talk to and what information is already at your fingertips: Talk about it with your doctor Influence of medical diagnosis or medications. The first thing to consider with any kind of sex concerns or performance issues is whether or not there is a medical situation at play. Before considering any other options, it is important to rule this out a medical diagnosis or medication interaction or work on a solution with your doctor if applicable. While this might not feel like the most natural conversation to start with your provider, just remember that it is not an uncomfortable conversation for them. If it makes you feel better, write out a bulleted list of your concerns so you don't get nervous at the moment and forget something you want to talk about. Anatomy and sex. Whether you are struggling with a sex issue or not, there is some information from the medical field that everyone can glean from; an educated perspective of sexual anatomy. You might brush over this thinking, "I already know what I need to know", but an in-depth understanding of anatomy and the rhythms of climax and release in sex for both genders can boost your experience overnight. There are several books published on this topic that you can read in the comfort of your own home. I recommend A Celebration of Sex for Newlyweds by Dr. Douglas E. Rosenau. Even if you are not newly-wed, this is a concise and clear book with a lot of practical information, illustrations and everything included (note this author discusses sex from a Christian perspective; if this is not for you, reach out and we can make alternative suggestions!). Talk about it with your therapist Neurological components of sex and sex habits. Sex is not just a physical act, it affects us psychologically and emotionally in very profound and lasting ways. Without getting too nerdy on you, when you have sex your brain releases neurotransmitters that are significant to be familiar with and understand how they influence sexual behavior: Dopamine- also known as the reward signal. Dopamine urges you to repeat whatever behavior gives you pleasure but the more you do that activity, your brain becomes tolerant of that level of dopamine so it urges you to increase the intensity of the behavior to get the same "good feeling" experience. Dopamine is present in a lot of different behaviors, but sex is one of the most dopamine-rewarding activities someone can do. Dopamine plays an important role in minimizing a sense of risk for productive behaviors that might otherwise be hard to do (e.g., going for a better job, committing to marriage, having children, etc.). It can also serve to make people more immune to warning signs of more destructive behavior, or at least minimize their worry regarding consequences (e.g., substance addictions, casual sex, etc.). Oxytocin- is active in men and women but is primarily active in females. For women, oxytocin encourages bonding with newborns (encouraging their derive to care for the infant even though it is very demanding) and it also connects her to her partner (encouraging the prospect that a newborn will have a better chance of survival and well-being in a two-parent home). Research has discovered that oxytocin is released in a woman's brain when she engages with a partner physically, from a 20-second hug to the intensity of oxytocin release when engaged in sex. The effects are that this neurotransmitter neurologically increases her desire for more closeness, and initiates the development of increased trust in the man she is in contact with (regardless of whether he is trustworthy in fact or not). This explains why women can find themselves going back to a harmful relationship even when they might acknowledge it is not the most healthy. It is not just an emotional feeling but a brain molding that is subconscious and is difficult to break without emotional pain. It also has implications for the brain's ability to form healthy bonds with future sex partners, including one's spouse when a stable relationship is introduced. Vasopressin - known as the "monogamy molecule" has a similar function in men as oxytocin does in women. It contributes to the attachment to who he is intimate with and their offspring if applicable. In the context of a committed relationship, it encourages family development and longevity in a committed relationship. Outside of this context, men find themselves going back to unhealthy relationships or having sex with multiple women, bonding with each of them, to the extent their brain is modeled to normalize their experience and the result is a neuronal interference with the brain circuits needed for long-term connection in a stable relationship. In other words, they can find themselves limited to the dopamine rush of sex and the vasopressin no longer serves to facilitate bondedness when a man wants to enter into a committed relationship because the brain has molded to normalize casual sex. The result is a neuronal subconscious continuation of promiscuous behavior based on brain molding that impacts a man’s relationship well beyond the moment of casual sex. Translated into English. The impact of these neurotransmitters is amazing when you think about how consistent sex in the context of a committed relationship, like marriage, can bring you closer together, feeling more bonded and more patient, and even more passionate about sex with one another where each partner is encouraged neurologically to have sex with each other again and again! It is very important to note, however, that the neurotransmitters involved in sex are values neutral, so they are engaged in sex no matter the context. For the very same reason, casual sex can be confusing and potentially harmful psychologically because the same chemicals are released but the stability of the relationship is not there to facilitate the purpose the hormones are supposed to have. The effect is a pattern of devastating breakups and difficulty experiencing the positive effects of sex in a committed relationship once you get to that point because your brain has trained itself to function in the dysfunction so that its original purpose is now foreign and uncomfortable. For this reason, neurologically-based research suggests that sex is best experienced in the context of a committed relationship for the best mental health and relational health (Mcilhaney & Bush, 2019). To read more on this matter, I recommend the book Hooked: The brain science on how casual sex affects human development by Mcilhaney & Bush. But wait, if you find yourself way past that line, don't stop reading, this next part is just for you! Neuroplasticity! If you know what that word means, you are probably just as excited as I am! For those who are not familiar with that term yet, let me introduce the concept. That is my favorite thing about being a therapist is that it is not just wishful thinking; our brains were designed for growth and we can be intentional to see that work in our favor. The brain was created with the capacity to "change in response to the environment" (Okuno, 2016). Translated to the topic of sex, that means that, no matter how bad your past experiences or current dysfunction, research also shows that our brains can change and heal! Therapy can be a great resource to give you tools to make that happen for you! Anxiety around sex. People can be anxious about sex for a variety of reasons like, a lack of knowledge, bad previous experiences, sexual trauma, the belief that sex is bad or wrong, and the list goes on. All these things are great topics for therapy! Your clinician can work with you to develop an individualized plan based on your concerns and your goals. Sometimes insight and research-based perspective alone do wonders, but there are also practical things you can learn in therapy to eliminate roadblocks in your sex life. The beauty of therapy is it is specific to you and there are a variety of interventions available. Resources can include research-driven information on sex; specific tools to help reduce anxiety around sex; trauma interventions; sex disorder interventions; mediation of marital conversations about sex; etc. Becoming a sexy person. It is also important to remember that part of having good sex, is becoming a mature and sexy person. By that, I am not referring to how you look, although taking care of your body and being healthy is a loving and selfless act of care for your partner. I am referring to mental, emotional, and spiritual maturity that is reflected in character and the selflessness in love that makes for a better foundation in a relationship, including sexual intimacy. I note this here because therapy can be one practical way to be intentional about growth in different areas of life that will have a ripple effect to impact relationship intimacy, including sex. Talk about it with your partner or spouse Spoonfeed each other. I once heard an analogy of marriage that stuck with me and I think it applies to a healthy attitude when approaching sex. If you can imagine with me, you and your partner sit down to eat and each of you has a spoon, but both of your spoons are so long it would be impossible to bring it to your own mouths. The only way either of you would be able to eat would be to feed one another. Truly satisfying sex happens when both parties go into it with the expectation to please their partner; then it is a win-win situation where both individuals' needs are met in a way that encourages connection. Put another way, you are the only one who can sexually satisfy your partner and that is both a huge honor and a legitimate responsibility. If you and your partner both think of it this way and seek to serve each other first, the result will be that both of your needs will be met. Discover what you find enjoyable and talk about it. Your engagement in sex will make it more enjoyable for you and your partner. It is important to express your needs, not as demands but as a boost to your long-term relationship where you can both be honest and seek to mutually satisfy one another. When the gift of sex is given out of love, the most enjoyable part can be seeing your partner experience pleasure. It is not just, "ok, do it and get it over with" or because that kills half your partner's fun of seeing you enjoy the moment with them. Discover what you don't like and talk about it. Boundaries in sex help you both feel safe and the vulnerability of sex will not feel as daunting. In reality, some things either are not safe or that one of you is not comfortable with that might be counterproductive if the main goal of sex is serving one another and growing in intimacy. On the other hand, some things are just preferences; which are fine to have and to acknowledge. If one partner likes a certain position or type of foreplay and the other doesn't, you might not do it every time but, when you do, it can be a special opportunity for them to communicate care on a selfless level. Your preferences can also change. Women, in particular, can feel like doing something one night and then feel like the same thing is a turn-off the next (or even in the same sex session). That is not a bad thing; it is actually what can drive a lot of fun creativity, but it certainly requires communication. This includes talking about your desires, hopes, and expectations in advance as well as in the moment to help you both get on the same page and serve each other best! Sex is not a dirty word. It is a gift in the context of a committed relationship that grows in intimacy and pleasure. Cultivating a good sex life takes intentionality, which includes talking about it! You could be a few conversations away from improving this area of your life in a meaningful way! What is the next conversation you want to have? If it is with a therapist, I would consider it an honor to meet with you to have this conversation as an individual, or as a couple. Let this be your invitation; it's not weird, and, for a lot of people, it's well worth it! Morgan is accepting new patients; reach out to our office to inquire about services! References Mcilhaney, J. S., & Bush, F. M. (2019). Hooked: The brain science on how casual sex affects human development. Northfield Publishing. Rosenau, D. (2002). A celebration of sex for newlyweds. Thomas Nelson Pub. Okuno, H. (2016). Neuroplasticity. In D. Boison & S. A. Masino (Eds.), Homeostatic control of brain function (pp. 175–186). Oxford University Press.

Morgan Flores, M.S. So many things change in life when a new baby is on the way! For a mother, starting at conception, you begin to make room (figuratively and physically, lol) for the new baby and all the needs they will come with. A change in diet, rearranging the house, buying diapers, shifting to having more parent friends in the same stage of life, changing your routines, possibly moving homes, maybe getting new vehicles, and all the things! One major consideration for a lot of families in this process is whether or not a new mother wants to work or be a stay-at-home mom (if that is even an option at all). Not only does this question affect practical issues of what each day will look like, but it often carries more emotional weight for a new mom. For many women, it begs the question, “If someone else is taking care of my baby, will my baby still be attached to me?” Or even, “Will my baby know I love them?” I have seen many mamas, including myself, cry over this matter. So many different people have so many different opinions on the matter. Some say it is selfish for a mother in a two-parent household to go to work while others say being a working mom provides a role model to your children. Is there a right or wrong answer for every family? How can we as moms know for sure? Does working outside of the home bear as much significance on connecting to your baby as society can sometimes make it seem? As a clinician, it has brought me a lot of relief to explore the matter through research. Although it does not provide a cookie cutter answer for everyone, it does provide helpful insights to encourage the best attachment possible, whether you are working outside of the home or not. Here are the most significant takeaways I would like to share with you: The quantity of time spent with your child is not as significant as the quality of time. A working mom who is very intentional, engaged and attentive to her kids when she is with them could potentially have more quality time with her children than a stay-at-home mom who has a lot of time with her kids but lacks quality connection. This is just an example, and there are many stay-at-home moms who are very intentional with their children! The idea is that, working moms do not have to miss out on the quality connection just because they are not there for every minute of the day and stay-at-home moms can take the opportunity to not just be with their kids physically but emotionally as well. Quality over quantity is the key for all parents, no matter their career decision (Hsin & Felfe, 2014). This has a limit too, however, so I would like to note a helpful guideline found in research that when infants exceed 60 hours in non-maternal care per week child-parent attachment is much more likely to become an issue (Hazen, Allen, Christopher, Umemura, & Jacobvitz, 2015). Mental and emotional balance. Each woman is different and what makes them come alive is a significant piece to this puzzle. For one mama, staying home with their babies could be a dream come true, while, to the next women it could be a very daunting task regardless of dearly loving their children just the same. Investment can still be intact and healthy even if it means that a working mom ensures her high drive is appeased at work, allowing for a relaxed mama to be more engaged at home. For some fields, like psychology, working mothers reported having a better work life balance precisely because they were satisfied with their career and it brought them contentment that encouraged a better tone for them even in the home (Wiens, Theule, Keates, Ward, & Yaholkoski, 2022). For other women, working and balancing home life can be overwhelming and staying in one lane is the best instead of letting work stress take away from home life quality. The key is the integration of work for a good work life balance or the balance of being a stay-at-home mom and still taking care of yourself as a mom. Either decision requires ownership and intentionality. We are at our best personally, not perfect but progressing, we are in a much better place to parent out of an overflow than lack internally. Other matters to consider: Cost benefit of paying for childcare vs. staying at home. For some parents, it cost as much or more than they are making to send their child to daycare. Paying a family member or nanny can be a viable option but is comes with its own challenges, such as potential inconsistency, more emotional navigation with clearly communicating expectations and boundaries, etc. Again, the main concern being quality of care and finding a sweet-spot between a financially manageable, developmentally appropriate, and emotionally and emotionally manageable situation. Types of jobs/work hour shifts. Another question related to whether a parent should go back to work is what kind of job they want to have. As discussed, there is the financial cost-benefit analysis, but there is also mental and emotional cost-benefit consideration to be made as well. One example is having parents rotate childcare needs by having one spouse work night shifts. While this may be financially beneficial and make a lot of sense on paper, research suggests that it can have a significant mental and emotional toll on individuals and marriages that cost the family in other ways. Specifically, new parents working non-day shifts may be at a higher risk factor for developing depressive symptoms and having more relationship conflict (Perry-Jenkins, Goldberg, Pierce, & Sayer, 2007). When considering what might be the best work scenario, research shows that parental stress is reduced in the context of a flexible job environment where management understands when changes are needed for childcare purposes (Pilarz, 2021). Some full-time jobs accommodate this, but another option (if feasible) could be a part-time job that provides some additional income and more flexibility, as well as social connection for moms. Some research shows that moms who work part-time have a better work-life balance, with better personal well-being as well as more sensitive parenting (Buehler & O'Brien, 2011). Access to quality childcare. At preschool age, the quality of care is largely dependent on whether a teacher engages with the children in a developmentally appropriate way, both academically and socially. Research has found that preschool teachers’ instructional interactions predict a child's academic and language skills, and their emotional interactions impact a child's social skills. While this may vary from classroom to classroom, a preschool that intentionally provides both program and professional development to improve teacher–child interactions facilitate the best environment for growth (Mashburn, 2008). Asking questions about what is being taught at your child's developmental age, how they are engaged in play, how they are redirected when misbehaving, and how teachers are supported is a good place to start. Engaging with your child's teachers in a meaningful way and intentionally encouraging them is another practical way to help contribute to a positive classroom environment indirectly as well! Social connection: Our babies are not the only ones who need social connections! As moms, we do too! If you choose to be a stay-at-home mom, take this encouragement to be proactive about having connections for yourself outside of the home. This will help with the mental and emotional balance of being a mom of littles. Similarly, if you are a working mom, that does not automatically mean that your coworkers, if you have any, provide the kind of support you need in this season. Be intentional to connect with others who lift up your arms as a mama. Attitude: Some studies have shown that a mother’s attitude toward her decision to return to work was a major predictor of quality of attachment. If a mom chooses to go back to work, they are more likely to maintain a healthy attachment with their child when they are confident and at peace with their choice to do so (Harrison, & Ungerer, 2002). This is good insight when it can sometimes be natural to second guess our decisions. In this case, it is best for moms and their babies that - whatever decision is made - the mom is able to own it and encourage their family in the direction they have chosen to go with confidence. This list is not an exhaustive list and it primarily focuses on preschool children, but the principles stay the same throughout a child's development. A good summary could be that, when your child’s black and white needs are met, a helpful guide in making decisions in the gray areas can be to consider what factors can contribute to you being the best parent you can be, which will indirectly benefit your child. It is so important to remind ourselves, it is not about being a perfect parent, but rather doing the best with what we have and teaching our children to problem solve, take risks, do hard things, and apologize and redirect when needed. One day your baby will be an adult too and your attitude, intentionality, and humility will speak more to them than the details of every day. Whichever side you find yourself on, keep in mind that what is best for your family might not be the best for the next family. Mom guilt is real, and mom-to-mom support is invaluable and goes a long way in lightening the emotional load we all carry. If you are a working mom, own it, embrace the pros and cons and enjoy quality time with your little ones. If you are a stay-at-home mom, own it, embrace the pros and cons and enjoy quality time with your little ones.  The details on how that looks will be different but the quality for each can be just as deep. Is mom guilt inevitable? Maybe. But that does not mean you can’t learn to manage it, minimize it, and have an ultimate goal to eliminate it. References Buehler, C., & O'Brien, M. (2011). Mothers' part-time employment: associations with mother and family well-being. Journal of family psychology : JFP : journal of the Division of Family Psychology of the American Psychological Association (Division 43), 25(6), 895–906. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0025993 Harrison, L. J., & Ungerer, J. A. (2002). Maternal employment and infant-mother attachment security at 12 months postpartum. Developmental Psychology, 38(5), 758–773. https://doi-org.sagu.idm.oclc.org/10.1037/0012-1649.38.5.758 Hazen, N. L., Allen, S. D., Christopher, C. H., Umemura, T., & Jacobvitz, D. B. (2015). Very extensive nonmaternal care predicts mother-infant attachment disorganization: Convergent evidence from two samples. Development and psychopathology, 27(3), 649–661. https://doi.org/10.1017/S0954579414000893 Hsin, A., & Felfe, C. (2014). When does time matter? maternal employment, children's time with parents, and child development. Demography, 51(5), 1867–1894. https://doi.org/10.1007/s13524-014-0334-5 Mashburn A., Pianta R., Hamre B., Downer J., Barbarin O., Bryant D., Burchinal M., Early D., Howes C., (2008). Measures of classroom quality in prekindergarten and children’s development of academic, language, and social skills. Child Development 79 (3): 732–749 https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1467-8624.2008.01154.x Perry-Jenkins, M., Goldberg, A. E., Pierce, C. P., & Sayer, A. G. (2007). Shift Work, Role Overload, and the Transition to Parenthood. Journal of marriage and the family, 69(1), 123–138. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1741-3737.2006.00349.x Pilarz A. R. (2021). Mothers' Work Schedule Inflexibility and Children's Behavior Problems. Journal of family issues, 42(6), 1258–1284. https://doi.org/10.1177/0192513x20940761 Wiens, Theule, Keates, Ward, & Yaholkoski (2022). Work–family balance and job satisfaction: An analysis of Canadian psychologist mothers. Canadian Psychology / Psychologie Canadienne. https://doi-org.sagu.idm.oclc.org/10.1037/cap0000321

Morgan Brown, M.S. In February, there is a struggle that many of us face: The death of our New Year’s resolutions. We started strong during the first week of January…or maybe the first day? And things quickly went downhill. The excitement faded, energy dwindled, and the habits and changes that you craved for yourself suddenly don’t feel worth it anymore. This is something that so many of us go through every year, but how do we change that this year? The first step is to acknowledge that a change needs to happen. Maybe you need to drink more water, eat healthier foods, or exercise regularly. Maybe you need to find a healthy hobby, spend more time with family, or watch less TV. Whatever your goal is, you have made this goal because you were fed up with whatever you were doing before. Lean into that feeling and allow it to push you toward change. The next step is to come up with a plan. To come up with a plan, you need to make sustainable and realistic daily goals for yourself. Here are some rules for your daily goals: Make them OBVIOUS. If you are trying to drink more water, keep a gallon of water on the counter for you to see every day. If you are trying to eat healthier, put the carrots at the front of the shelf in the fridge. If you want to exercise more, set out your workout clothes for the next day so you can’t miss them. 2. Make them FUN. If you want to exercise, but you hate running, don’t make it your goal to run a mile every day. Try yoga, zumba, weight lifting, walking, or sports. If you want to watch less TV, don’t make yourself read the dictionary instead. Do something that you enjoy when you would normally watch TV. Goals don’t have to be boring to mean something. 3. Make them EASY. If you want to read more, don’t make it your goal to read a whole book before you go to bed at night. Make your goal to read for two minutes or to read one page a day. If you want to cut sugar out of your diet, don’t make it your goal to never eat sugar again. Make it your goal to only eat one dessert a day instead of two, or two desserts instead of three. Make it easy and achievable. Once you make a plan of daily goals that follow these rules, remind yourself of the first step to keep you going. You were fed up with how things were, so keep achieving daily wins to see change in your life. These things apply to any and every age, including your kids! If your kids, preteens, or teenagers have goals for themselves, sit down with them and help them make a plan. Encourage them each day, and congratulate them on their achievements and their daily wins. Make it a big deal because it is! Now, if a new habit for your kids is not necessarily their choice, but something that has to change for their health, that’s a little different. In this case, the family needs to sit down together and create a plan for change. If you realize that your child is eating too much junk food, make a goal for the family to eat better, not just the child. If the child sees that they are the only ones having to make a change, I’m sure you can imagine the tantrum that is sure to follow. In this planning meeting, give the child some options for daily goals. Let them pick from a list of healthier meal options, hobbies that don’t involve screens, or a family activity. Let them take some ownership of the plan so they feel like they have truly achieved something, not just made to do something they never wanted to do. Finally, continuously encourage each other and allow your kids to encourage you too! You all deserve a healthier you and every win is a big one for you and your family. Morgan is accepting new patients. If interested, please contact our office!